Personal Blog
November 12, 2007
So, last friday I started volunteering for the Salvation Army as a Media Intern. That means a lot of different things I won’t go into here. I’m nervous about my stability as I go into the workforce in a more professional manner. Will they figure it out? Will they know? Is it obvious? Am I just paranoid? Who knows? I’m still excited about the opportunities that this will afford me even though I’m not getting paid. It’s good work for a good cause. My kind of thing. I’m just worried that I’ll stick out like a sore thumb with all the rest of the “normal” people even thought I know they all have their problems to deal with too.
Nov. 7 a good friend of mine passed away from leukemia. He will always be in our hearts and we will look to his fight for inspiration in our own lives. It just shows how someone can still wear a smile in the face of adversity, even in the face of death. I talked to him on AIM on Oct. 31 when he was admitted into the hospital for the last time. That was the last I spoke with him. My love and support goes out to his family and friends at this time. His celebration is Nov. 17 at his house. I will never forget the good times and especially Junior Prom!!
-Katy-
November 15, 2007
So I’ve been doing a lot of looking around my room for stuff to remember David by. I’ve found a lot of little knick-knacks I saved, even the rose he gave me for Junior Prom. I’m very sad but also very glad I have something to remember him by, and so many memories to remember.
I’m having a hard time waking up in the morning completely, as usual.
I plan to do a lot more research on how to help other people with bipolar, not just how they can help themselves. I hope it helps!
Look for my websites….
-Katy-
November 28, 2007 10:39am
I’m sitting here at The Salvation Army looking for work to do. But there just isn’t much on this day. I had a donut someone brought in for breakfast but I didn’t go to the sermon/service they brought it for. I’m so bad. I have a new website up for all the code monkeys out there at www.codemonkeysunite.com. It should be good when I get some time away from work, play, and the new beau. Lovin it though! I’ll check back in later when I actually have something to say. But I will mention that I had the most awesomest dream last night about the beau that I can’t even share with him, lol. Maybe I will someday!… But I was spending the night and had to even leave cuz the dream was that good, I just couldn’t stand being next to him in bed not being able to touch him. How personal. OK, I’m so done. Just some thoughts…
-Katy-
January 11, 2008
Oi, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. I’ve been dealing with a lot of negative emotions about life in general and saw no point in doing anything productive. I don’t understand now that I’m feeling better in the past week or so. I disappeared off the face of the earth when I was depressed and didn’t even call in to The Salvation Army for the most part while I was gone. They ended up calling me and when I finally got the nerve up to contact them, they welcomed me back with open arms, trying to be as understanding as possible about my situation. So I have renewed hope for my future and my goals even though I still think I’ll be getting depressed again sooner or later. But we’re taking it week by week as far as my schedule and today I even was free enough to come in any time between 9 and 9:30am. That was nice. I tried to come in as early as possible and ended up there at 9:10. It was tough getting up this morning because last night I couldn’t find my Strattera which though it’s for ADD, seems to be helping most with making sure I don’t get sick in the mornings. I’ve got this new thing where I wake up but not completely and usually feel not only groggy as hell but sick to my stomach. It all adds up to not even being able to open my eyes while I’m still comfy in bed. It’s so hard to get up when the most comfortable position is lying down, especially when you’ve recently been depressed. But like I said, things are starting to turn around for me. Sunday is my birthday and basically what I’m asking for is the $50 application fee for The International Academy of Design and Technology (IADT Online). It’s very important to me to start a career, especially getting a little older. I think it’s the perfect birthday gift actually. Very appropriate. It signifies a lot in my life, not only rebirth of my life but just simply me growing up and taking on responsibilities other people have. I want all of that more than anything, I’m just afraid I will mess it all up one day because I get depressed. That’s probably more of a problem than the actual depression! Crazy how that works out. If I can get over this roadblock I’ve created for myself, I think I can really do anything. I have always been a good worker, in school and my jobs, I just have this bipolar stuff to deal with. Every time I think I’m over it, it comes back again full force. So I think I’ll never quite be over it, I just have to be over the fact that it’s such a roadblock….stop thinking of it in those terms. It really pisses me off though, I know I’m soooo smart and creative but nobody will take a chance on someone “like me”… So I need to prove to myself and others that I am fully capable of doing the job and making that commitment to something other than myself. I have started writing scholarship essays to prove to my parents (and the judges…) that I really deserve their help, instead of just being entitled to it. I’m so serious about my life but since that’s a new thing for me, it’s like nobody sees what I do for myself now to get ahead. I’m a hard and dedicated worker and I have a lot of good stuff going for me. I think I actually got smarter not being in college too. So now when I go, I’ll blow everyone out of the water with my talent and drive to succeed. I’m confident it’ll be an awesome experience and a big self-esteem booster. I finally know what I want and need to do, I just need to do it. Thing is, I never really wanted anything before, though I knew I needed it, the desire was never really there. I kinda thought it was but I guess not, at least not compared to how I am now. Alrighty, folks, I’m so outtro!
-Katy-
January 26, 2008
So here’s the latest news… My car was broken into last week and it’s getting fixed right now, luckily my dad was out of town and let me use his car in the meantime. I got a job interview and then got the job at a portrait studio in Carmel. It’s $10/hr, 9am-6pm, 1hr paid lunch, and I get to do portrait photography! It’s also part-time so I’ll be able to stay at The Salvation Army at the same time to get more experience with web design and multimedia. Here is a journal entry I wrote the other day that I thought was interesting, maybe a little too interesting for Myspace…
January 23, 2008:
I have so much to say that I’m afraid if I start now I will never stop. I am so frustrated with life in general and I don’t really know how to fix the problems that I have. They have always been there and I can’t even begin to name what they are. I am just beginning to learn who I am and I am already 25. I feel like there are so many things I should know but I don’t. I don’t know what those things are either. I just can’t begin. I feel it inside me that I have so much potential for so many things but something is in my way. I used to think it was Bipolar but now I think it’s actually worse. Bipolar can be managed but there is a deeper fear in me that came from the diagnosis itself, not the disorder. I want to make commitments but I just can’t. I don’t understand why. I don’t know what I am so afraid of. Nothing has ever been constant or consistent in my life, not even my childhood when I look back. I’ve always been this way and my biggest fear is that that is the only constant thing I have to hold on to. To be different is to change and to change is a foreign leap of faith I’m not sure I’m ready to take. My faith in God is now becoming a second constant but I still have to rely on myself to see opportunities and create my own future. Self-reliance is not something I have much confidence in and my faith in a higher power is honestly still a little shaky. But I believe God is inside me (all of us) and if he can be consistently strong, so can I. It’s the tests, trials, and tribulations that are the hard part. I believe there is a God and He is good, now I just need that undying faith in myself.
-Katy-
