So it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on here. The reason being that I don’t think I’m actually “Bipolar” after all. It’s really crazy to think that I’ve been in therapy since the 4th grade, the same psychiatrist for 15 years from 7th grade to this past year. Long story short, my angry outbursts and massive amounts of irritability and unstable moods got me kicked out of the house for 3 months. I ended up in a “non-emergency” ambulance ride to St. Vincent’s ER where I fell asleep (finally…I was having a terrible panic attack) and when they discharged me I was homeless so I stayed at The Wheeler Mission Care Center (aka homeless shelter) for 3 days until I got kicked out for not eating their food. I realized later that my loss of appetite was due to the new meds I was given…40mg of Celexa. But my mood was so much improved and my anxiety had gone away a considerable amount. A very brave and good friend drove 45 minutes to pick me up and let me stay with him for about a month. Tempers eventually flared there as well, not knowing what I was supposed to be doing with myself and feeling like the burden I was to my friend. I finally ended up back at home with my parents who were apprehensive to say the least! But we started talking about religion and my spiritual experiences at the shelter. My mood was obviously different than anything they had ever seen before (in a good way) so they let me come back home permanently. So the last few months have been really good. I am seeing a new psychiatrist and psychologist. They agree with the hospital’s diagnosis of severe long-term depression and anxiety which would promote mood instability and lots of anger. I was definitely angry, depressed, and in a lot of physical pain for a long time. I couldn’t remember a single time I had ever felt differently. Now I am on 40mg of Celexa, 5mg of Abilify, and 0.5mg of Klonapin 3 times a day. Sometimes I don’t need the K-Pins now that I’ve started the Abilify on top of the Celexa. I have maintained a stable and extremely energetic positive mood most of the time. I wouldn’t say I’m manic at all. I would also say I haven’t been depressed either. In fact I’m becoming involved in different activities despite the fact I have no job or classes right now. I started reading, playing music, and drawing again. I’ve learned that I have a lot of interests similar to when I was younger except now I’m actually good at these things. One thing I’m doing is making Sculpey art. I’m basically making homemade gifts for everyone this Christmas. I can go out in public once again but this time it’s like never before. I always had in the back of my head that someone was looking at me but I feel like even if someone was, who cares? I don’t anymore! I feel stable and like myself again. That is amazing because I have always felt disconnected with myself and never had a sense of identity. I think it was the anxiety that started the depression. I have super-bad anxiety sometimes. Switching doctors and stopping all the other meds I was taking that were making me feel worse (i.e. having seizures and sleeping all day) has made all the difference. My family is involved in my journey which is now a journey and not a struggle every day anymore. I knew I should have gotten a second opinion sooner but I was in 7th grade when my previous shrink started diagnosing me and stuffing me with pills. She said I was Bipolar because she gave me Prozac and it made me feel hyper. That’s 100% BS nowadays because there are so many other options in the SSRI category that are less stimulating, all the way down to things like Trazedone. I have also noticed that my ability to meditate and fall asleep (not always at the same time!) have both improved drastically. I literally feel “normal.” And I say that speaking of my own personal sense of normalcy. I am naturally an energetic and talkative person but through the anxiety it looked like mania. Oh well. Just be sure that if you’re not absolutely sure about your diagnosis or feel at all uncomfortable with your current doctor, try to switch and get a second opinion if possible. If I could, I’d sue the pants off my last doctor. I mean, I didn’t even stay the same, I only got worse and the meds made me even worse faster. AND the diagnosis was possibly incorrect. But considering the lack of information at the time, I can understand her reasoning. Still, she should have re-evaluated everything after 10 years of going downhill. Eh, I’m just happy I’m doing OK now. I’m not well enough to have many steady commitments but I can tell I’m heading in that direction now. I also have the opportunity to create a new person, someone I like and can support.
